The All Seeing Eye

NOT ONLY IS DANIEL KELLISON A PINKO, HE ALSO READS BLOGS

2005-06-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

Get a life Daniel.
Stop reading blogs.
Stop reading books by Al Franken.

2005-04-01T12:02:00.000-08:00

uhhhhh....

REDRUM

2005-04-01T11:59:00.000-08:00

All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Tim a dull boy.

MITCH HEDBERG R.I.P.

2005-03-31T15:13:00.000-08:00

2005-03-31T15:12:00.000-08:00

Bummer.

2005-03-31T15:10:00.000-08:00

2005-03-30T15:35:00.000-08:00

FLY THE HOLY SKIES

2005-03-30T15:15:00.000-08:00

Took a flight to JFK yesterday from Los Angeles.
I was seated next to a Hassidic dude. Nice enough fellow, just not the most personable fellow in the world.
Anyway, I'm a Catholic. My entire life I've been surrounded by both Irish Catholics (Dad's side) and Italian Catholics (Mom's side.)
So needless to say, I got kind of confused when the guy next to me started praying on the plane. First thing this morning I sent an email to two friends of mine at work who are Jewish about what I witnessed. Here's the original email and replies.

-----Original Message----- From: Der Kommisar
Sent: Wednesday, March 30, 2005 10:08 AM
To: (Censored)
Subject: Jew Question My Chosen Friends- Yesterday on my flight back from LA I was seated next to a Hassidic fellow-nice enough guys, just not very personable. Anyway, about an hour into the flight he rolled up his sleeve and tied this gnarly looking black leather strap on his arm all the way down to his index finger. Then he opened a little red box and took out a device that he kissed and then strapped onto his head. It looked almost like a headlamp that hikers use. Then he basically rocked back and forth like a motherfucker for like 15 minutes. What is that strap and head ornament all about? Seriously.

-----Original Message-----
From: (Censored)
Sent: Wednesday, March 30, 2005 10:08 AMTo: (Censored)
To: Der Kommisar
Subject: Jew Question

Funny...I actually do that every morning. Not even kidding.
It's called Tefillin...it's sort of like prayer gear. Inside those little boxes on his arm and head are prayers written on tiny parchment. When Jews pray, they wear this stuff. If you ever see pictures of Jews praying at the Western Wall in Israel, you'll probably see tons of it.
There's more to it, but it's hard to explain. Just realize that we're kind of crazy.

-----Original Message-----
From: (Censored)
Sent: Wednesday, March 30, 2005 10:08 AM
To: Der Kommisar
Subject: Jew Question

You just discovered tefillin.That means you're Jewish now too.

There you have it.
I kind of felt like a heathen sitting there sipping my Bloody Mary and watching some God awful Hilarie Duff movie while homeboy was kicking it to Yaweh.

FLY THE FAT-ASS SKIES

2005-03-24T18:38:00.000-08:00

Took a flight yesterday from Las Vegas to New York. After 11 years working at the same company somehow the Travel Management Department got the bright idea to book me in a middle seat. Genius! Nothing like being hung-over and half drunk with cottonmouth enjoying a 6 hr flight wedged between two enormously fat men.
Meal service? Here's a box of rice krispies with skim milk.
I'm sorry but how do people let themselves get so goddamn out of shape?
Two sweating, snorting, snoring fools in golf shirts forcing my arms off the armrests for the entire flight. And the air conditioning was on the fritz as well.
Nothing like watching sweat roll off furrowed brows for hours at a time.

Paging Dante-I've found the sixth ring of Hell and it's Continental Flight 235 to Newark.

2005-03-18T13:12:00.000-08:00

God I hate you

CURT SCHILLING SUCKS

2005-03-18T12:35:00.000-08:00

So the big Congressional hearings on steroids in Major League Baseball went down yesterday. Typical bureaucratic bullshit. It was basically the same thing that went down after Janet Jackson's boob popped out at the Super Bowl. All of these politicians who are up for re-election have to get in a room to publically shame the people the perceive as the culprits so that their constituents can see how morally upright they are. What a load. And how perfect was it that Mr. Morally Upright himself Curt Schilling waddled into that chamber room? Here is a guy that wants nothing more than to be looked at like a hero. Remember last year when all you heard about was how Curt's leg was basically gangrened beyone recovery? How he was sleeping with his leg ensconced in a glass box filled with big, black nasty leeches. How he was risking paralysis by pitching against the Yankees in the ALCS. Remember the lame ass bloody sock? The one that looked like he stuck a pinpricked packed of ketchup in it for dramatic effect? Well, here's something that speaks volumes about Curt Schilling- fucko actually went and donated the sock to the Baseball Hall Of Fame in commermoration of his heroics against the mighty Yankees. Look at me America. My ankle was bleeding and I still pitched!

So there he was yesterday, in his cheap looking suit with that balding coiffe, waxed into ridiculous spikes. He looked like he had a fucking soap dish on his head. His sunken eyes looked darker than usual, almost like he's been up really really late lately, probably cranking Hulk Hogan's "I Am A Real American" and practicing his pathetic "You can't touch my heater" glare that he shoots from the mound every now and then. His reason for being at the hearing yesterday? To volunteer his services to Congress to help solve the steroid problem in baseball. He also got to fire off some one liners atJose Canseco because when the mic's on, Curt's gotta be the center of attention. Gotta get some laughs, show America how sharp he is and how he's not afraid to stand up to a corrupt steroid abuser like Jose Canseco....or Manny Ramirez.....or David Ortiz......
I respect Jose more than I respect you. He's a classless piece of shit that will make money any way he can. But he's not hiding behind anything. He has no shame. He has embraced his role as a wart on the ass of society and damn it all if you don't like it. You on the other hand are a fraud. You're a fake. And you're ugly as sin.

Curt-here's the deal. I hate your guts. You have a big mouth. You've been with the Red Sox for one year and you're already talking like you're Johnny Pesky or Dom Dimaggio. You're fat. I hate that gaudy ass, thick, Run DMC looking gold rope chain you pitch in. You're so hungry to be perceived as a "good guy" that it's sad.
But it's out there fat boy. The inevitable DWI or scandal with a hooker.....it's going to happen. One day, very soon, you will be exposed for the fraud you are. So have a nice time playing Good Guy with the politicians. To quote the immortal Hunter S. Thompson "I warn you once again, that the hammer of justice looms and that your filthy white uniform will become a flaming shroud!" Until that day comes, go choke on your food you slob.

AIM HIGH

2005-03-17T08:55:00.000-08:00

I had to submit my goals for 2005 to my Boss back in January.
Here is what I sent in.

-Meet Patrick Swayze
-Drive a Firetruck with the lights and siren going
-Get more accurate with my ninja throwing stars
-Prove that the Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch are real.
-Learn how to log roll
-Work on an oil rig
-Fight in the Golden Gloves
-Gouge someone's eye out in a bar fight
-Catch a fly with chopsticks
-Book either Hunter S. Thompson or Mickey Rourke on TRL (I guess Mickey will have to do)
-Learn how to be a beekeeper
-Shoot Mount Rushmore with a wristrocket
-Have a Pale Ale named after me
-Get "taken down" by the Secret Service
-Light a fireworks stand on fire
-Learn how to make sushi
-Build up an immunity to anthrax and cynide
-Build a really rad Haunted House
-Get tasered by a State Trooper
-Have my air bag deploy
-Raise pirhanas
-Smoke in an airplanes lavatory
-Get Marilyn Manson to play my daughter's 3rd Birthday Party

Kiss Me, I'm Irish

2005-03-17T08:18:00.000-08:00

Wow. I haven't posted here in like four months. I now know that Bloggers have a lot of time on their hands. Who has time to sit down in front of this computer every day (sometimes multiple times a day) and post? With pictures? And links? When I think of the word "Blogger" I think of a really skinny, pasty faced person sitting in their dark, dingy apartment. They are dressed in semen crusted sweat pants and a t-shirt and have at least one cat sitting on their lap. They are shoving goldfish crackers into their mouth and swigging Mountain Dew out of a huge bottle. They have a big bucket at their feet that they piss in because they can't tear themselves away from the internet to relieve themselves. Anyway, I digress.

Today is St. Patrick's Day. My people are in full force.
Nothing like walking to work with the sound of bagpipes skirling in the wind.

Wheel Of Death

2004-11-09T11:05:00.000-08:00

Wheel Of Fortune is the worst game show ever. I never liked it. Even as a kid I thought it was lame. Remember when Fox actually gave Pat Sajak his own Late Night show? Man, what executive made that genius move? Probably the same guy that gave Chevy Chase and Magic Johnson their shows.

Oddly enough, I think the wheel from Wheel Of Fortune can bring an end to the War On Terror. Here's how it works-
After the next terrorist attack the President calls a national press conference.
He calls everyone's attention to a huge wheel he has there in the Oval Office.
On the wheel is the name of every Islamic country in the World.
He tells Vanna White to spin the wheel....whatever country comes up gets nuked. Period.
Since Terrorism is a faceless enemy, the wheel picks who gets paid back.

Every time an attack happens we repeat the process.
Over time one of two things will happen.
1-The United States destroys every single Islamic country in the world
or
2-Terrorism stops.

I wonder what the French would think of this plan?

SERIAL KILLERS ARE BORING

2004-09-24T13:34:00.000-07:00

Just saw the movie "Seven." I hadn't seen it in a long time. It made me think about how boring real life serial killers are. Think about it, Kevin Spacey's character had a whole motif going with his dirty work. Anytime a guy bases his killings on Milton's "Paradise Lost" you have to give him points for both style and ingenuity. He's still a degenerate animal that deserves a one way express ticket to the death chamber but at least he's well read. The newspaper would be so much cooler to read if real life killers put some thought into their work. I mean, if you're going to commit yourself to a life of crime and an eternity burning in the fires of hell you might as well do it with flair right? Stand out from the crowd a bit. Anyway. Morgan Freeman wears a cool hat in the movie.

LIVE STUPID!

2004-09-23T13:46:00.000-07:00

I get the whole Lance Armstrong yellow rubber bracelet thing. The dude got testicular cancer which spread to his lungs and still managed to kick it in the ass. He's an American hero, an unbelievable athlete and a role model to people everywhere. (even though he ditched his wife, the woman that stood by him during his battle with the Big C, to run off with Sheryl Crowe. Ew.) But I digress.....
Now people buy these bracelets for $1 to show that they support cancer research. I love that. What a postive thing. And what a great way to raise some money for much needed research. But what's with the idiots I see everyday smoking with these bracelets on? Kind of goes against the whole "Live Strong" message right? How could you suck on a Pall Mall while rocking one of those bad boys? Listen up Johnny Carcinogen and get with the program. You're pretty much a disgrace to the whole message of Lance's foundation. The bracelet doesn't have magical powers. It can't ward off things like lung cancer. Smoking while wearing that yellow strip of rubber on your wrist is like speaking at a NAACP meeting while wearing a Ku Klux Klan hood. Smarten up would you please?

2004-09-23T13:44:00.000-07:00

Stylin!

HERE WE GO

2004-09-22T18:48:00.000-07:00

Der Kommissar

I'm a sucker for trendy crap. Pet Rocks? Had one. Rubik's Cube? Solved it....twice. Dress shirts with big, colorful vertical stripes? Got a few. Hell, I'm even contemplating taking a course on the Kaballah. I mean, all the cool people are doing it. If it's good enough for Maddona (Esther?) and Demi it's got to be good for me too right? After all, they're famous and stuff. So since this whole Blogging thing is the rage, I figured I'd give it a shot, become part of the "in crowd." You know, the people you see every morning in Starbucks....listening to their snow white ipods.....drinking $6 lattes.....pecking away at their snow white ibooks. I want in!

But this whole thing seems really silly to me, like it's a colossal waste of time. Why bother writing here when chances are, nobody will ever read it? What's the chances of someone stumbling upon this little insignificant blip in the vast wasteland that is the internet?
Since I've always been up for a good experiment let's see if anybody actually reads this drivel. I'm betting that by this time next week there will still be zero coments. The clock starts now.